The following is an interview about a cryptid you may not have heard of before. While most cryptids are relegated to the far reaches of the world, lurking just beyond the fringes of mankind, the cable gremlin is different. It lives much closer to home, threatening the very fabric of civilization itself. A creature of pure chaos, researchers are completely unable to predict where they will strike next.
In this totally scientific and in-no-way biased interview, I will be talking with Twitch Flippant of Sporkless Entertainment about these fascinating creatures. He was only informed that the topic of the interview would be cable gremlins. The interview was conducted over text. The following represents the full transcript. Content has been edited for spelling and grammar.
Rev: Hello. Thank you for doing this interview today.
Twitch: You’re welcome, happy to be here
Rev: When did you first learn about cable gremlins?
Twitch: Well depends on if you mean the sheer existence, or the actual term of Cable Gremlins, because I’ve been fighting them longer than I’ve been naming them
Rev: And how long is that, exactly?
Twitch: When I was 3 or 4 I would make forts, or other structures, and turn around to find unexplainable knots where I once had a straight rope.
Rev: Wow, that long?
Twitch: Yeah, back in my day, we were more active and sent to play on our own at a really young age, so I was toddling around on my own, talking to squirrels and tying knots.
Rev: And the iconic name, cable gremlin, when did you come up with that?
Twitch: Probably when I was 6 or 7, the term gremlin had become known to me, and I inserted its deviousness into my cable related downfalls.
Rev: That’s pretty young. So you’ve been talking about cable gremlins for most of your life?
Twitch: That’s about right. I still battle them to this very day.
Rev: For those at home who don’t know, could you explain what a cable gremlin is?
Twitch: Well I’ll break it down a bit. The term gremlins or elves was often applied to explain movements of objects, or mischievious happenstance that had no quick definable source. Like blaming it on an invisible creature. So I just added the word Gremlin, and now everytime my cables get tangled, I blame it on the invisible creatures that are here to torment us for their own amusement.
Rev: I see. And should we be worried about these invisible creatures?
Twitch: I would say try to be more aware of them, than worried about them. They are overall more mischievous than malevolent, so they are more out to get us in an annoying or inconvenient way. But not being aware could lead you to not knowing what you’re getting into and maybe tripping and falling, or even electrocuting yourself, as they have changed your desired path or outcome.
Rev: Are there cable gremlins with us now?
Twitch: Like the common variety of grue, I believe, yes, yes they are.
Rev: In this very room?
Twitch: In this room, right near anything we may want to interact with, and waiting right outside to do the same.
Rev: That’s a frightening thought. How do you sleep at night, knowing these creatures are always there?
Twitch: Well when I do sleep, It’s with anything that can be tied or tangled far away from my throat or airways.
Rev: What was your worst experience with cable gremlins?
Twitch: I was working in a crawlspace, running some cables for an old cable tv system, and before I knew it, I was tied up and tangled to one of the beams. I couldn’t get myself free for quite some time. I was there so long that my flashlight had died, it was dark, mildew smelling, and miserable. I was eventually able to get myself free, repair the damages, and get out of there to light and sanity.
Rev: And how did that make you feel?
Twitch: Like my nemesis could actually win that battle, powerless you know?
Rev: I see. That must have been very difficult for you. Do cable gremlins get the better of you often?
Twitch: Very much so. They attack frequently, and leave me untangling their dirty deeds for hours on end, until I give up, cut things, or get through it. It’s wasted many hours of my life.
Rev: I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you have better luck in the future.
Twitch: Everytime I work with anything that can be attacked, or used against me by these mischievous little bastards, I try to come in as physically and mentally prepared as I can.
Rev: Exactly how much time do you spend fighting cable gremlins?
Twitch: Well also counting prep time for the battles ahead, I would say ⅔ of any given activity involving them in any way.
Rev: That much, huh?
Twitch: Yes, that much. So much that they are truly my nemesis cryptid.
Rev: What’s your opinion of fruit salad?
Twitch: Like the jello stuff?
Rev: Is jello salad different?
Twitch: I don’t know, I’ve always heard jello and canned fruit referred to as fruit salad, and I’m not the biggest fan of it.
Rev: Have you dealt with cable gremlins recently?
Twitch: Yes multiple times this week even. I went into my shed just the other day for what I hoped to be a 2 minute round trip. I left in 45 mins
Rev: Some are still skeptical about the existence of cable gremlins. What would you say to them?
Twitch: Just keep thinking that and hoping you are correct. And don’t blame me for when you end up on the wrong side of a slinky debacle.
Rev: Wow. I couldn’t have said that better myself. Unfortunately, that’s all the questions we have for you today. Thank you for sharing your insight with all of us.
Twitch: You’re welcome, and I hope this awareness that was passed on to all of you can help you prepare for the battles ahead.
Rev: If our readers wanted to learn more about cable gremlins, where should they go?
Twitch: Well there will be more information available at <NoSpork.com>.
Rev: You heard it folks, <NoSpork.com>. Goodbye, Twitch. Stay safe out there.